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read my profile sign my guestbook  Name: LiSA Country: United States State: California Metro: San Jose Gender: Female Interests: being awesome :) Message: message me AIM:  lookeeitslisa
Member Since: 1/17/2005 |
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Friday, July 10, 2009
silly boy- rihanna feat. lady gagaIt's so frustrating; I almost want to cry.No matter how often I talk to him, no matter how much I think it means, I still have to admit that I don't understand him. It makes me want to pull my hair out, because I want to know that my invested time means something. Getting to know someone is supposed to yield some inkling of who they are, not just confuse you even more. They're not supposed to lead you on. They're not supposed to go back on who they said they were. They're not supposed to confound you beyond comprehension and leave you feeling just kind of empty. Perhaps this is a taste of what it will be like in college. After all, people will come from all different kinds of backgrounds and lifestyles, some of which I have never encountered before. And although I am trying not to be judgmental, and I profess to be tolerant in as many ways as possible, maybe this is what a lack of understanding feels like. When you are so completely bewildered, when you have absolutely nothing to grasp at, this feeling of being lost will settle in and you'll know that you are out of your comfort zone. That you are somewhere you don't belong. And that home is a long, long ways away. I don't need him to like me. I really don't. If he could just take the hint and stop the game he's playing, then we could go back to being friends again. But when he keeps encroaching on my world, when there are now clearly defined boundaries to keep him from getting too close, I'm going to lash out. He got close the first time, when he didn't intend to, and now he's not getting close the second time, because I don't intend to let him. What hurts is being toyed with. I don't like losing control, and I don't like not knowing where this is going. Actually, I want to know if this is going anywhere at all. Even after he said no the first time. All the confusion, all the retracted statements-- they just make me distrust him. In like every way possible. I don't trust what he tells me, because he's gone out into the world and contradicted them less than a week later. I don't trust the nice guy facade he puts up, because some of his secrets seem to discredit it all. I don't trust his flirty demeanor toward me, because he flat out told my friend that he likes someone else. I don't trust any of his words or actions, because they seem to hold no actual merit. And if I can't go on anything he gives me, then I really don't know what to do. | |
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
since u been gone- kelly clarksonOne month ago, I was idealistic. It's true, I was such a dreamer. And I thought love, even in high school, could persevere through anything. I was willing to do so much for one person, and in the process, I lost a lot of who I was. I'm disappointed in myself for letting it come to that point, and I should have realized the situation much sooner. You can only go on denying the truth for so long before you open your eyes and see the facts staring back at your face. After closing my eyes and shutting the pain out for so long, I think it's time to open up and let the dust settle again. The tumult of change has come and gone, and now I can finally move on.I'm nowhere near where I want to be in terms of moving on, but I am trying. Two weeks ago, I was like, the allotted time for getting over someone is half the duration of the relationship, and that should have been enough. Then another week goes by and I'm still left hanging at the end of conversations, still waiting for his every word. That was bad enough. And now it's been a whole month, and I can't believe how little progress I've made. I just fell in love with "Kiss Me Thru the Phone" again, in a whole new way but at the same time, reminding me every second of a time where that song meant something else. I watched the entire Oscars broadcast, struggling with the urge to text him about Slumdog Millionaire and all the times we discussed it. I still post statuses on Facebook of things we have in common, in a pathetic way to get him to talk to me, and to make things even worse, it's working. I can't stop myself from checking Facebook and looking through his pictures and wondering who he's going to Sadies with. I feel like, after this dance is over, I will finally be able to rid myself of the future-talk that probably doomed our relationship--or whatever it was. I do have regrets; I'm not going to deny that. It's impossible for me to open my heart without having some retribution get back at me. And one of the biggest regrets is the way things moved so fast, even though I did everything I could to stop it. Yes, I did bring it up and I talked to him about it, but in the end, I let his reassurances carry me away. I should have waited longer after winter break before letting myself fall completely for him. There's a lot of things I pushed the envelope on, and those were all mistakes. After watching "He's Just Not That Into You" and reading the book, I've come to the new resolution that guys should have to try harder to get what they want. Girls make so many excuses for them, and it's just not fair. We say they're shy, they're busy, or a million other things, but it's just like I said--I want a boy that wants me as a priority in his life. I hate myself for settling, especially those last two weeks. As a girlfriend, I can be cool, I can be understanding, but I still can't come to terms with how much I really do have to give up. After spending time with Cindy and Tricia last weekend, I realized what asserting yourself in a relationship really means. Too often, I try to be the "cool girlfriend" that a guy would love to hang out with, but there has to be a limit too. Cindy and Tricia would both be uncomfortable if their boyfriends went to a dance with another girl, whereas I probably would have blown it off as nothing. It seems like something trivial, because I've asked a taken guy to a dance before, and I would be too scared to come off as controlling. Then again, lots of girlfriends have their boyfriends absolutely whipped. And Cindy also talked about how it's considered rude if you text or answer a call during a date, and that's when it hit me that that's what it should really be like. We all want to be considered priorities. We all want to have our time respected and valued. Everything I've known has been so far from that. What gets me is that he still acts the same. He still confides in me, tries to talk to me, and we get along in the same easygoing way we used to. So I try to be cool, like not a crazy ex or anything, but this is hard on me. I still get left hanging in the same way, and it makes me long for the times where this could become more. There are so many moments where I wish I could just ignore him and cut him out of my life, like all the past boys, who are isolated to cities and states far far away. Fremont, it seems, is not far enough. I go there every weekend or two, and I think about what would happen if I called him, although that would never happen. We have history together, that's true, but I'm not sure if I can handle a future of any kind. I can't ignore him, my curious self be damned, and so this "just friends" arrangement really has me confused and powerless. Maybe I'm just be the girl who he IMs when no one's on and he's bored out of his mind. Maybe he just wants to test how much he can really get away with. This is such a confusing mess of wondering what the other person is thinking, because even if we are notorious for being blunt and forward with the truth, I can't be anywhere close to that anymore. I guess the hardest part about breaking up is getting through it with your pride and dignity intact, especially from the receiving side. I mean, I could have done it, I PLANNED ON DOING IT, but in the end, my conservative side told me to give him a chance. And that night was fun and I got caught up in the moment, letting any my doubts and fears and convictions fall to the wayside. Now I feel like I've lost a lot of that trademark confidence that got me all the boys in the first place. I won't lie, it made my previously-emo day when he IMed me, because it made me feel wanted and cared about again. I took extra pleasure in keeping him waiting and leaving him hanging, just to feel what it was like to call the shots again. This can't be a game of revenge though. I can't ignore him for every time he ignores me, and that's not really want I want. How does friendship work there? The problems with friendship are the same problems that were with the relationship... so where do you go from there? Above all, I do wish I had closure. Instead, this story keeps going, just changing the plot a little, but continuing nonetheless. Is that any way to carry on? I have resisted the temptation to write a letter, because I know that I don't even have an address to send it to, and online, I would have to deal with the expectation of a reply. I probably will write one for myself though, just like how it ended up working out with Uzi. I still have that letter, and most of it holds true for this time too. Funny how I never learn my lesson. | |
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008: a year in picturesJANUARY      FEBRUARY         MARCH                  APRIL          MAY         JUNE                 JULY             AUGUST                             SEPTEMBER       OCTOBER       NOVEMBER    DECEMBER         | |
Sunday, December 28, 2008
| I'm scared. But I hope this is the kind of thing where once you're in his arms, you feel safe again. Because the kind of things I'm afraid of are things only he can fix. I'm scared of the way I feel about him. I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of commitment. I'm scared of how things are going so fast. It's too late, because my heart is out there. Now it's just at the mercy of someone else's decisions, and that's scary. It's like this whirlwind came by and blew away everything I used to cling to. I miss my boy interests, and the way they made me feel secure because I knew there was always another option in case one didn't work out. I miss my independence, and the fact that there wasn't anyone that was absolutely irreplaceable in my life. These were safety blankets I used to cling to, that shielded me from the possibility of getting hurt again. Suddenly they're gone and filled with irrational feelings for this boy. I've told him about my insecurities and he's said all the right things. So technically that should stop me from screeching the brakes and putting it all to a halt. Because I like things the way they are and I think this really has potential. We've talked about our histories, the drama, trust, time, distance, the future, how fast we're going, and pressure. I've resolved to have open communication in a relationship, and I think that's important. It's also uncanny how well he's taking it. I know I'm just full of issues and insecurities that usually never get shown on the surface, but I suppose this is part of opening yourself up to someone. Sometimes I know I have to say something, and I type it out and press send, then turn the phone upside down because I'm afraid the answer will be something I don't want to know. But it's never like that. He surprises me every time. I'm glad I've finally found a nice guy, and he's the one I want to be with. Because the rest really were nothing like this. I'm usually never like this. I don't like relying on any one person, except maybe Lisa. I don't put all my eggs in one basket, so to say, because I know I could possibly lose it. I'm usually not one to open up easily, and I put up my outer front pretty well. So the fact that this guy has entered my life so abruptly, so randomly, and disrupted my customs so sharply has me reeling a little bit. He's swept away all the safeguards and walls I put up to keep myself from getting hurt. It makes me wonder how the intruder got in. And if he should stay in. Because I kind of like him here. We had a great first date, to be sure. And I thought he might have kissed me at the end, except that I fell back into my car quickly before that could happen. Later I wondered if he was going to do it at all. But as I've learned, first convictions are usually true, and I'd be dumb to doubt them again. Talking and having fun with him was easy and natural. And he even told me a secret that no one but his best friend knows. I guess having an instant connection is just as easy as that, and I wasn't even the first one to succumb. But seeing someone jump in headfirst just kind of pulls you down with them. When they start talking about holding hands or cuddling, the images just stick with you and pull you into their world. I'm a good flirt, to be sure, but instead of just flirting this time, we talked about what could happen. Then we talked about what would happen. Within days, we were talking like a couple and musing about the future. That's when we got down to the serious stuff, about trust and commitment and pressure, and even that has turned out well too. He's told me that he's in for the long haul, and that we can take it at whatever pace I'm comfortable with. These are the words every girl wants to hear, and they should reassure me. But you know, beyond all my other fears, one stands out the most. I'm scared that this might all disappear, as quickly as it came. | |
Saturday, December 13, 2008
penn.Dear Lisa,Congratulations! On behalf of the entire Penn community, it gives me great pleasure to invite you to attend the University of Pennsylvania as a member of the College of Arts and Sciences Class of 2013. We are delighted that you selected Penn as your first choice for your college experience. You and your fellow applicants are the strongest in Penn's distinguished history and I look forward to welcoming you to campus as part of the 257th graduating class since Benjamin Franklin founded the University. Whether through your search for knowledge, devotion to service, or continuing engagement within your community, you will contribute to the vitality of Penn and Philadelphia. In your academic and personal pursuits you instinctively seek out connections across disciplines, and you excel at the highest levels. In all these ways, you already demonstrate commitment to the goals and philosophies of this University. Happily, this is only the beginning! We are sure of your power to excite our faculty, to enliven our campus and city, and to transform the lives of those you meet. I urge you, as one of the newest members of the Penn community, to make these next four years your springboard for lifelong learning - take risks, explore, discover. This is the start of your next great journey. Sincerely, Eric J. Furda Dean of Admissions How does this make me feel? I am not only accepted to college; I am GOING to college. Nine months from now, I will be on the historic campus in West Philadelphia, exploring all there is to offer in the great city and beyond. Can you imagine? Snow and rain and storms that cut out the electricity; cold like I have never experienced; and a myriad of novel experiences that will only enthrall and bedazzle my eyes. What is the world like out there? Everything is spinning in hypotheticals and it seems like I can't yet grasp it. I'm blogging before I go to sleep because I'm afraid everything is going to disappear when I wake up. It feels so surreal. This morning, I was actually pretty calm. I also got an undisturbed night's rest last night, which was unusual, given the admission decision adrenaline rushes that had woken me numerous times the night before. I watched episodes of One Tree Hill, which was remarkably calming. Then I went shopping with my mom, but she wouldn't get the coat I wanted because she didn't like the collar. I came home, brought my laptop to the dinner table, and clicked refresh continuously from 11:55 to 12:00. At noon, the screen still didn't show up, so my mom went to go drop something off for my brother. Two minutes after she was gone, the log-in appeared and I messed up the first three times typing my password in. When the page loaded so quickly, it seemed almost seamless. The distinction is that I was accepted into the College of Arts and Sciences. I applied for a dual degree program with Wharton, but to be honest, the business side was just to sell my parents on Penn. It's the number six school in the nation, yet still my parents believe that a business undergrad is the only practical major that could be available on campus. So when I didn't get into Wharton, they were noticeably disappointed. The first thing my dad did when he got home was to tell me how impractical International Relations was as a major and ask me what were the different ways I could transfer into Wharton. And I don't care about business at all. I think I had no business (ha, funny) applying to Wharton, because none of my interests or extracurriculars remotely lead me there. So I'm content with my College of Arts and Sciences, if only that will mean I will be on campus. There's so much else that happened on this day--the Stanford decisions (where not a single person got in early), and Jocelyn getting into Penn (so I'll be at Penn with one of my best friends!)-- that I can't believe that it's all happening. And I can't believe high school is essentially over for me. The best thing about being accepted is the end of applications, and also the end of the meaningful academic career. I'm so over it. My parents want me to try for the rest of first semester so I can graduate with honor/very high honors/etc, but I could care less. As long as I graduate, right? But most of all, I can't believe that I am able to say that all the stuff I have done in high school was worth it. Granted, those who got rejected/deferred by Stanford might differ based on their application decisions, but when you're accepted, it really feels great. Every little bit was worthwhile. And all the memories. It's the end of one chapter, but the beginning of another | |